This week has DEFINITELY been HELL WEEK..
First of all, it’s not because of the tests, I don’t know.. there’s something wrong with me for saying the tests has been a piece o’ choco lava cake.. and it’s my favorite so don’t ask. Maybe because I haven’t took the Math and AP/SS exams yet, but it’s sure because of home. Well, the start of the week greets me a simple hello ughgaiin Monday, because I enjoyed my folk-stick-dancing in phys ed. And tuesday and wednesday, normally went as a breeze and I’m IN for the badminton doubles playing on intrams next year (sure as hell, didn’t expect that) and my crush got my name for the secret santa event (hahaha, I have spies who told me and knows his every move) and we talked at 7/11, plus yesterday guys freaked me out saying they DO likelikelike me but yeah whatever. I haven’t even got half of the week with my group group because of my classmate-seatmate-bes helping her with hers. I’d be happy……..(somewhat deep in here) right? Know what? NO.
I think every night I cried my self to sleep. It’s not because of any of this it’s because of home, I’m an only child, bringing this back again, and yet my parents don’t trust me. They’re tying ropes all of a sudden and making the ropes tighter and adding more ropes around like there’s this anaconda rapping itself around me too much. I’m an adolescent, shouldn’t these be the times, I’d be more free? I didn’t have anyone to talk to, but I did talk to ate (as in kasambahay no way am I going to call her that) she’s already like family to me, and she told that my mom asked her if I have a boyfriend (like I did ages ago, grade 6 haha that was long over), what I just don’t accept is why she didn’t ask me straight if she want things cleared up. My dad also read one of my-passing-notes-with-my-bes paper, and he didn’t take it well, but still didn’t ask me about it, but he assumed it was MY writing and he’s not taking it well, and just a smidge of my plans mixed through the day he blows up and tells me I’m making him look stupid because he and I don’t remember what we talked about the schedule the previous night.. and damn, my voice cracks up and they think I’m being JUST dramatic, they don’t understand. THEY DON’T, and they already think they know who that person is or something..
and it feels like
hell when it involves your family.
I don’t know, I’m lost.
Real lost. I have to cram now.
Although I’m all so proud about my outputs and school stuff. I’m still not contented, though I get in the tops in our class, I feel like I’m still good enough. I’m never good enough, heck, I’m Mari.
I always try to be nice to people, and some of my friends tell me… I get abused at times. I don’t flaking care, because I know everyone has problems but it still doesn’t.. gah yeah, whatever hey guys. I miss talking to people here. sooooo much, it’s one reason I still come back here, because of the people who’s so out of the ordinary and gives so much great advices. like srsly
“What a treacherous thing to believe that a person could be more than a person.” - Paper towns, John Green
M E S S E D U P |
It’s confusing. Everything.
Misunderstandings and all that. I know I shouldn’t at all be stressed of what I’m experience since I’m still young.. but for the sake of my age, I guess all I know is that I’m blessed. Maybe I’m not happy or sad, maybe in between or maybe both at the same time. It’s all catching up real fast - the intense feeling of Christmas, but as the day goes, it feels so slow, like you want it to come catch you. Decisions and all that, it’s different from feelings, decisions can be made out of feelings as well. Misfortunes that leads to coincidence deciding the flow to reach the destination of a perfect scenario for you to witness, knowing it has something significant in for you. Knowing things are meant to happen not for just sake of it, but maybe, just maybe, knowing nothing at all.
Seeking truth, finding nothing. Finding something new, but may never be oh so true. Nothing may be true, yet it’s all up to you. Us, society, who is blamed and blamed, but WE ARE SOCIETY, for society to change, change must come from within.
Yes, I may be on the verge of sugar-coating all the things happening for my safety, although everything must not come out real, for you wouldn’t even know what is..but I guess the true conclusion to all this confusion is the three-or maybe for knowing don’t means do not so maybe four- words I hang on to every single day: I don’t know.
So it’s been a while I haven’t blogged about anything. Things are just… complicated.. with studies and everything. I don’t also have the guts to say anything here really, so all my posts have been going private, and that’s why I really feel bad, for the whole excerpt. I don’t want anyone to be sympathetic about my obnoxious problems.
The whole week, I guess, it started with the Sunday event: Resorts World, we watched King and I with my fellow sophies and everyone. And since my section had the least who came, we were split to the different school buses instead of the real School’s buses (hope you got that).. Anyway, the play was awfully nice, so realistic and detailed.. but I must say I liked the 1st play I watched there “Sound of Music” better. We were color coded as blue so that our school would be identified easily by the teachers there, we had our food trip and all, but it wasn’t until the next day (Monday)…
The most of Mondays are a blur except that we had our Grand Rosary Rally and we wore a dress code again which is blue which symbolized a lot as said about Mama Mary, had lunch with my best guy friend, and walked with him finding stuff which I had really missed so much but …we had swimming as the last part of the day and that was it, our guy discipline coordinator pulled the half of the two sections, while in our swimming suits, we were told we had probation for the freshie & sophie Halloween party and our intramurals, bummer, huh? That’s what I get for being in a very united section with ‘some’ noisy new students. Did I mention only our section had the 5 new students of the batch? Well, yeah.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday was examination days. Here I am, telling you what happened in the week, because I guess, I had the need to.
It’s just all so
damn stressful — Well, a kid’s life isn’t supposed to be like this. And in all the ways possible, this proves I’m not one anymore, and that’s actually hard to say… knowing you’re no longer in possession of freedom but more on will. Knowing there are more dangers and you’re treated like a child but expected to act like one of them. Knowing that you don’t know the half of stress yet and you’ve probably not experienced going through an eighth of it.
The only freedom I have is writing/expressing what I feel about something, or what’s happening and yet, that too is being taken away by an official law without the consent of an adolescent like me. Mere communication lost and a suspension in jail for 12 years. How nice — how nice that it’s all so fair.. Fair? When was it ever fair for anyone. Living’s not fair anyway, and that’s the challenge itself. It’s hard when you know it’s all a test, nothing’s easy. Not even if your think you’re going the right way, and poof another obstacle.
How will we ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering?
All that glitters, is not gold. A quote from a dear friend of mine ever since childhood, spongebob! Whom I still dearly love until this very moment, okay I’m watching it then… so what? You won’t care, I know but what’s to care about really. That’s a line, I’ll probably regret in a few minutes, it’s just — I can’t take it.. me. I can’t take how I am. How I have no one to tell what I really feel about something, when I just want to let it all out, but I can’t, because I know I shouldn’t.
Family problems — I hate them. I don’t hate family. I have a complete family. Yeah, I’m happy but all these happenings every now and then that come back and forth they just come back as a bigger misunderstanding, but all I know is no problem’s too big to break something so special; And so regarding my title, I move on to my friends… how they kept hiding my looking for Alaska by John Green book and making me worry always and how I kept losing things and finding them a few hours later or realizing where I left it, they were worried. And these past few days has been (ehrmahgerhd our topic in eng before grammahh) so fast, when I thought they were so slow. And if you happen to have been back-reading you will have been seeing the things and thoughts about my old guy best friend, and we’re actually friends again, but that doesn’t mean we’re back to the “sibling” type friendship, just close enough to be ‘close’. Anyways, we’re going to watch Florante at Laura in a mall near us and I volunteered to go there real early, and he said he was going there earlier, so yay for seeing him.
Ever thought of it as something that will be over soon too? Like how everything that’s happening to you right now seems to be such a big deal but when you’re older and you think, ‘did it really even matter?’ What does matter anyway? Should you care if it does? I always think about these and while I think about it, I wonder by each passing second, why I even started to think about it. Is it right to think about it or should I just not care and let it pass. Sometimes, being alone is hard for me, because it gets me thinking even more, deeper by every moment until it comes to the thought of death. I always think deeply— you know, like over think. And I don’t know why. Should I know why? Should I not know why? But even if these questions stay on my mind and get’s me lost in different ways I think no one will ever understand I still remember that all of these questions will too be over soon.
It’s really amazing, isn’t it? Filipino spirit. So after this tragedy of hanging habagat mischievous disasters all over Luzon and everything, it’s still there— the smiles of each Filipino experiencing this. It’s really a great lesson to most of us… something we can learn from, smiling at your hardest obstactle, well in the first place God wouldn’t place that burden in your shoulders if He knows you can’t carry it, right? All I’m saying here is I’m proud of my fellow Filipinos who’s experiencing such an unfortunate event… but this post isn’t all about being proud of them it’s about me too, Me not being able to help, all I can do is pray and pray and then me not thinking I’m too blessed enough, me having such love around me and things that are still complete for me to witness. It’s sad, isn’t it? How some people have all these great things yet wants more, never contented, but who am I to say anything about them, it’s about what they want that I’m talking about. I understand the natural ability to be jealous of things of others, because all of us experiences that, well what I really just say to myself is that nothing will ever be enough. Not now, not ever. And it’s something we all have to accept, the fact that there are greater things that will be invented, but get this… whatever you have is already enough. You just have to realize the importance of it, once you do — you’ll know what it’s like to be happy, before it’s gone.
I just watched the movie, Letters to Juliet, I’m late— but yeah. It’s really nice. I really loved the concept of me thinking it can’t just end there. I probably think most of you must have watched this since it was released 2 years ago. It’s really cute~ Old people & destiny… oh and to think I’m going out with my friends this Saturday to watch Brave another fate themed movie, oh my glob it’s almost my birthday! Off topic.. Anyways, letters- I love receiving them, I like them handwritten too, it’s old fashioned, but I really like old fashioned ways not the fast type, I want to live slowly. Everything’s so fast nowadays, you don’t know what to expect but you do know there is something to expect, I miss the simpler days where everything was cheesy and all and now it’s all just… a hoax or something.
Why is it whenever I need someone so bad, I never do. I always am there for everyone I truly care for, but I guess this all proves, nobody really is for me. And it hurts so bad, I don’t know how to explain it. Tears are falling and I can’t do anything. I can’t think straight. I’d want to die so the pain would go away, but I am.. trying to accept everything, since I am very paranoid. I am the girl who usually crumbles. I can’t let this put me down, but the only problem is… that it is. I thought this was a good day well, I’d tell you it’s a bad night. And all I have is my blog. It’s how I really feel, I never tell anybody what I truly feel— I rarely do, and when I do, people change the topic and I guess it’s fair since I guess I’m a bad person, right? Very. They say I’m nice, I think I am but wouldn’t it be if I am a good person this wouldn’t be happening? I usually tell people as they say great advices and I can’t even think of something to make up with all of this. It hurts, really. Slowly.. and slowly. It’s killing me and I can’t do anything about it. Nothing, nothing at all. I think and I think of what’s my purpose, I’d never really know. I am misunderstood. Nobody really’s there for me, I’d guess I’d pray now and hope this feeling and thoughts would get off my mind.
Okay, let’s say you didn’t get my scenario. My point is you traveled a very short distance and you pay the amount as said even if it’s not even intended to be it and yet you don’t give the right change, too? Don’t you agree that it suits the perfect situation mankind has nowadays? Greed. All you have to be was honest, what if we haven’t got any more money and we needed the change desperately yet you’d ride away and keep the change all to yourself. So what if you have a family to feed? What if we have ours too? The bad part about my scenario is that after that I’ll say I need the change for a toll later on, doesn’t that make me the bad guy too? Lying. Oh, the inhumanity… All I’m really pointing out here is being honest won’t hurt you one bit. If you think it’ll cover up any of your flaws, it won’t, it’ll make it worse. If you think you need it more than the other person does, you don’t. We’re all equal. Don’t be selfish, don’t have that much pride. Just do what was taught to you is right.
Life’s too short they say. Who’s they? And what if they say that, what’s short anyway? It’s hard to believe things you can’t see, isn’t it? Questions, make my life harder. Wondering, that’s all I can reach up to— now. Since, it’s hard, what’s hard? Understanding.. but in the first place, what is there to understand? They say to just enjoy, don’t care about what anybody else thinks, be yourself.. then they judge you. What’s up with that? Nobody’s perfect. What is there to be perfect anyway? I hate questions… but I ask myself a question every day. Oh, the irony. It’s confusing, really. I’ve been confused from the every start, but what if being confused is wrong, what if anything your doing was wrong, what if just thinking about this is wrong. And as they say, what ifs makes your life harder. It’s not really up to anyone to tell you how to live your life, really. It’s actually hard letting this out already, when people are people, everyone’s instinct to be bad. We’re born like that from the very start, weren’t we not? It’s just up to you, accepting it. Mistakes & Regrets, they’re lies. Just be happy & contented, I say to myself. But contemptment
A bipolar mess.
It’s Friday!! (supposedly my title)
The day isn’t exactly… well, not really how I wanted.. I don’t know what to.. Let’s just put it in the sense that this day is bipolar. Bipolar meaning this day was with ups and a lot of downs. At the thought of it, this whole month had this bipolar vibe with me.
Schedule && Comments for 062912;
- CCF - Quiz I got 21 over 30. Ms Mac got mad at us since 15 of them were below 15.
- Science - SW on the microscope, I got 8/12 — Not contented because I just interchanged words. *sad sad* Oh and we had hands-on until Monday! Microscope’s are cool like beans yo! You know like observing the letter E’s outline, like awesome right.
- Break time - finished the burger (with help o’course)
- Art - finalization of the 1/4 that turned out to look good (giving it the eye of a passing score)
- Lunch - fixed my shared locker with a sheep, there’s always a good laugh with TF2 or just her. No matter how she lost her money in the trash bin or how she lost her voice and me not satisfied with my scores.
- Filipino - how I got perfect for having plus points! mehehehe.
- Math - HOW I KNOW I FAILED ALGEBRA. It hurts like.. how kuya Rico accidentally stepped on my foot when he got down on the bus.
- English - And how ugly my writing was in the board, oh I’m the class secretary btw, and it’s a hassle to the ass. Getting up, sitting down, reply slips there, where are you here. Why did you do that everywhere.
- Ap - how I have to be a tourist guide for Thailand to be presented by tuesday.. which reminds me… research! Mind to say, my crush was pushed near me by his friends
- Dismissal - ate the Crunch ice cream which I say is much better than Magnum! Based on experience.
- School bus - beeep beeep my friends left me since there bus always comes first than mine, seniors were asking me about gay people and things, batchmates were telling me about their zl play, and my long-lost sister slash a girl named Danielle who has much similarities talked about this awesome dude, our busmate, that’s a singer turned dancer turned guitar-piano-flute playing genius. He’s supposedly in our batch but… Oh hi, you’re still reading? I love you.
So after this day I realized jumping to conclusions is wrong.
It’s practically the 4th week since the school year started. Things still aren’t clearing up… although we know eachother, by name I may just add— But what if it’s just up to that.. the bond of newly met people, disguises of sudden nature just waiting for you to befriend someone you might really get along with and as my first post about the start of school expectations we’re right, I stand to that. And I do my best to ignore it, it’s just that sometimes when you can’t handle it anymore— you should cry. Holding on to something and not letting it out won’t get you anywhere. You say your strong, but nobody really is. Sometimes, when we follow the steps of good, suffering is a challenge. And having to accept that challenge, you train yourself to be better and know what’s right. Going the right direction is what arouses us. Doing things not for yourself but for others will lead you to the right track. It’s just that sometimes it confuses me, What if my decisions were wrong? What if decisions were supposed to be wrong? What if all this is just a story with the end page ripped out? What’s leading me next is what gets me going day by day, what are these pages waiting to be read. And with all these what ifs, what if thinking of this was already a mistake?